"Find me broken, find me bleedin'
cause I need more now than a fairy tale,
a god who lives in a book.
I need someone real. " JMM
Truth is Blog... I know I haven't written you in a while. A good long while. It isn't that I just forgot about you. I have thought about you several times over the passed few months. But then I would ask myself, "What do I have to write about?" Nothing is new and exciting. No big victories. I couldn't possible let everyone know that things are actually hard. I got lonely. Those light bulbs stopped going off in my head, and they were replaced by questions. lots of them. and doubt.
I was running on change, and it was a roller coaster ride. But then the smoke started to settle, I started making some plans, and I couldn't find Him. Maybe I took the wrong roller coaster?
I used to think God spoke to me, but that was so long ago that I wouldn't be able to tell you what that's like. I used to think that I could experience the Goodness of the Lord everyday... more than just being "happy". Not sure what to think about that either. I used to get fired up reading about the first century Church, believing that God was BIG. I still believe, but I am tired of stories about a friend's grandma's cousin's uncle... I need to see it. Maybe they were right when they said that was just back then.
I really don't think that I am that miserable of a person. If anything is wrong with me it must be that my expectations are just too high. And I can't seem to bring them down enough to be content. Part of me wishes I could, just a few notches, so I could raise my hands like everyone else at Church and feel all good inside like I used to. I just want more, always have, and in the back of my head I still believe there has got to be.
"Ain't it like most people? I'm no different
We love to talk on things we don't know about" -Best Band Ever
I jumped out of the boat a while back. Ready to do anywhere and anything whenever God lifted His finger. Still waiting. Strength needed to continue honoring Him and keeping the faith even when it's hard to believe.
