Something that has been on the forefront of my mind lately is vision. Something I need right now. I came up to the surface after that magnificent backflip with a huge smile on my face... ecstatic. But what now? Last night, I read a chapter in "Tender Warrior" by Stu Weber that talked about how men should have vision. Coincidentally, or maybe not!, the second song on Pandora this beautiful Sunday morning was "Be though my vision." And then I popped open this awesome book of Puritan Prayers and bam. Icing on the cake. I posted the prayer below. I am where I am right now for bigger reasons than to run fast and work hard. I summarized my life into three priorities: Honor God. Love People. Live an adventure. I had to throw in the last as a little bit of my own personality. I think I will stop here, because the prayer below is everything I want to say right now.

Lord of all being,

There is one thing that deserves my greatest care,

         that calls forth my ardent desires,

That is, that I may answer the great end for which

     I am made –

   to glorify thee who hast given me being,

   and to do all the good I can for my fellow men;

Verily, life is not worth having

   if it be not improved for this noble purpose.

Yet, Lord, how little is this the thought of mankind!

Most men seem to live for themselves,

   without much or any regard for thy glory,

   or for the good of others;

They earnestly desire and eagerly pursue

   the riches, honours, pleasures of this life,

   as if they supposed that wealth, greatness,

     merriment,

   could make their immortal souls happy;

But, alas, what false delusive dreams are these!

And how miserable ere long will those be that

     sleep in them,

   for all our happiness consists in loving thee,

   and being holy as thou art holy.

O may I never fall into the tempers and vanities,

   the sensuality and folly of the present world!

It is a place of inexpressible sorrow, a vast empty

   nothingness;

Time is a moment, a vapour,

   and all its enjoyments are empty bubbles,

   fleeting blasts of wind,

   from which nothing satisfactory can be derived;

Give me grace always to keep in covenant with thee,

   and to reject as delusion a great name here

     or hereafter,

   together with all sinful pleasures or profits.

Help me to know continually

   that there can be no true happiness,

   no fulfilling of thy purpose for me,

   apart from a life lived in and for

     the Son of thy love.

"VALLEY OF VISION: A Collection of Puritan Prayers and Devotions"

I like running FAST. That is just me. I don't care too much for those long slow runs that they say are good for your form and endurance. I want some change of pace. I like watching the earth fly passed my feet, and feeling my face cut through the air. And to take it one step further... make it a race. Put another guy on the line. Let me see him in my peripheral vision. I just like to run FAST.

So I did a backflip. So I landed in the water and it felt incredible. So I surfaced and said "whoo hoo that was great!" But I also lost focus. I became distracted. I have been striving for excellence, and monitoring my progress for months. I go to boot camp where my own insecurities lead me to compare myself with other guys... constantly. And I tried running faster, and faster, and faster but it was never good enough. I wasn't the best. I lost something.

Eric Liddell from chariots of fire? He had it. I love that movie.

I realized a few weeks ago that there is a big difference between running fast and running free. (freely? bump it this is my blog and I do what i want.) Before the backflip. I ran free. I enjoyed running and I enjoyed pushing my body. From there, I pushed myself to run fast. But only because I ran free. Without the ability to run free, I will never run fast. I hate running fast, if I don't have the joy and peace that comes from being truly free.

It was crazy things in my head. The fear of losing. Fear of letting people down. Fear of being a failure. Doubting my strength and perseverance. Doubting my character. Doubting my God.

Who knows all the thing that I had in my head. They weren't my thoughts. I know that. But they were there. Entangling thoughts. I just wanna run free.

I pray for freedom and for protection. And God is gracious.

I am Esteban. I am here to Honor God. I am here to Love People. And it will be an Adventure. I believe my current path falls exactly in line with all of these. May my life be of service to my shipmates and may God continue to be my strength.

If you had told me two years ago where I would be today... it would have sounded cool I guess. But I wouldn't have believed it. This path just kinda smacked me in the face one morning, and the next morning here I am. I apologize to all the planners and deep thinkers and wise counselors. And I confess that this was not the most carefully thought out idea. I just did it. Just like when I was in high school. You pass over a high bridge with your home boys in the back seat, someone says, "Hey lets jump off," and two minutes later you are shimmying along the ledge with cars honking as they pass by a couple of feet away. I could have been anything. doctor. lawyer. framer. missionary. pastor. None seemed to fit right. And then I saw that bridge, with that cool crystal blue water below. I did a back flip.

Bam. Here I am.

Ooook fine. I prayed about it. Made every attempt to discern the will of God in the dry season I was in. I wasn't quite sure. I wanted nothing other than to be at the center of God's will. Regardless, it was still a sick back flip.

So back to Bam. Here I am. I love the people I am with. I love the path I am on. I don't know all the details about how this will play out, but God continues to teach me and guide me and prove his faithfulness.

Hooyah.

I gave up giving titles to these stupid things... Because it would take too long for a perfectionist like me to figure out the perfect title. Ain't nothing wrong with doing things well, but sometimes I just want to not care so much. Like now. One of the best feelings that I could possibly experience follows a long workout. I don't mean to come off like some jersey shore meathead, so let me try to explain myself. When your body is pushed passed a certain limit, endorphins are released. The effects have been likened to drugs. Common knowledge, right? I worked for 10 hours today. Hauling lumber, hanging drywall, installing a ceiling. Then I went to the gym afterwards. Unfortunately, there were cute girls there so I had to lift extra hard. An hour later I was in my truck, windows down, listening to the Avett Brother. In in that moment I would have died happy. I think life can be like that. Sometimes the highest of highs come after the lowest of lows. After we have been tested, stretched, and refined maybe we wake up truly content? And I don't believe there are any shortcuts or synthetic blends of refinement that taste like candy.

Funny how the people that send young men off to die in wars are the ones that would never go to war themselves. "When the rich wage war, it's the poor who die." That's just the way the cookie crumbles.

Does that mean the soldier's life is less valuable than the politician's? Does the rich man have a higher purpose or a more noble calling than the one who dies on the battlefield?

I enjoy reading the stories about medal of honor recipients. More medals have been awarded for jumping on grenades to save teammates than any other single act. Although there are few instances that soldiers have survived, it is almost a guaranteed death.

"Although only he could have escaped the blast, Petty Officer Monsoor chose instead to protect his teammates. Instantly and without regard for his own safety, he threw himself onto the grenade to absorb the force of the explosion with his body, saving the lives of his two teammates. By his undaunted courage, fighting spirit, and unwavering devotion to duty in the face of certain death, Petty Officer Monsoor gallantly gave his life for his country, thereby reflecting great credit upon himself and upholding the highest traditions of the United States Naval Service." CMOHS.org

In order to give up your life you have to love something or someone else more than yourself. The problem is that people love themselves too damn much. We don't know what love is because we don't know what sacrifice is. We say things like "I love the TV," and "I love ice cream." Did you know that the United States has the highest divorce rate in the world? These are not unrelated.

I don't mind rich people. And I don't have a problem with rich people that are cowards. What I do have a problem with is rich cowards who believe that the military is for the "lesser" people. Not in a hundred churches or cathedrals would you find someone jumping on a grenade to save their friends. It shouldn't be like that.

I love Jesus Christ with all my soul. And if I thought my local church came close to reflecting the life and love of Jesus, I might not have enlisted. But I think there is more to see and more to learn than I have been taught. I would love to think that I would jump on a grenade to save my friends. That I have that kind of selfless bravery.

"It's only after we've lost everything, that we are free to do anything" Fight Club

Lets be real

"Find me broken, find me bleedin'
cause I need more now than a fairy tale,
a god who lives in a book.
I need someone real. " JMM

Truth is Blog... I know I haven't written you in a while. A good long while. It isn't that I just forgot about you. I have thought about you several times over the passed few months. But then I would ask myself, "What do I have to write about?" Nothing is new and exciting. No big victories. I couldn't possible let everyone know that things are actually hard. I got lonely. Those light bulbs stopped going off in my head, and they were replaced by questions. lots of them. and doubt.

I was running on change, and it was a roller coaster ride. But then the smoke started to settle, I started making some plans, and I couldn't find Him. Maybe I took the wrong roller coaster?

I used to think God spoke to me, but that was so long ago that I wouldn't be able to tell you what that's like. I used to think that I could experience the Goodness of the Lord everyday... more than just being "happy". Not sure what to think about that either. I used to get fired up reading about the first century Church, believing that God was BIG. I still believe, but I am tired of stories about a friend's grandma's cousin's uncle... I need to see it. Maybe they were right when they said that was just back then.



I really don't think that I am that miserable of a person. If anything is wrong with me it must be that my expectations are just too high. And I can't seem to bring them down enough to be content. Part of me wishes I could, just a few notches, so I could raise my hands like everyone else at Church and feel all good inside like I used to. I just want more, always have, and in the back of my head I still believe there has got to be.

"Ain't it like most people? I'm no different
We love to talk on things we don't know about" -Best Band Ever

I jumped out of the boat a while back. Ready to do anywhere and anything whenever God lifted His finger. Still waiting. Strength needed to continue honoring Him and keeping the faith even when it's hard to believe.

Muddy Pots and Red Light

I think I have been mislead in my thinking. Somewhere along the way I got this idea in my head that the road would be a glorious one. I imagine the calvary returning from battle, the horses prancing, the flags flying high. Big celebrations. Victory after victory after victory. But that just aint the way it goes. Not for me. Not for Jesus when He was on this earth. Paul. John the Baptist. Disciples.

For the past two weeks I have hit more than my share of red lights. I come around a corner and the light is green. I step on the gas because I know it is coming. But it still gets me. yellow. red. stuck. I have considered that maybe sitting at this many red lights is usual in Atlanta, and that maybe I had just forgotten since I wasn't living here for a few years. But no. That's impossible. I told my little sister Jayde before she got in the car with me that I am going to catch every red light. and I just about did. Ask her. Though most information online says they are all automatic, and nobody controls them anymore, I am not satisfied with that answer. Something is up.

I don't think I ever set out thinking that it would be an easy road. Nor were my intentions ever do enjoy the victories and celebrations, or to be glorified in any way. But then things start getting hard. You start hitting some red lights. Things don't go smooth. Your body aches and your heart is heavy. And followed closely behind is the prince of lies, claiming once again that God is holding out on you.

Bad news: Saturday I had to work. Good news: There was no Traffic, and I hit mostly green lights!! Thay actually turned green FOR ME!! It might sound wierd but I felt God's presence after that first light turned green for me. and He didn't even have to say it. Because I already knew what He was thinking. This is how life is. Sometimes they are green. And sometimes they are red. I consider that Saturday morning a special little blessing, because the lights have returned to normal since then... red. That's just where I am right now.

I am currently working with a framer/carpenter in Atlanta. I have been doing a lot of carrying lumber and cleanup, but also making some cuts and firing that nail gun from time to time. The days are hard and long, and I come home dirty, smelly, and beat up. I am on the bottom of the totem pole, but I have a job, I have direction, a purpose, and a God who hasn't forgotten about me. I am right where I need to be.

I know who I am. Stephen K Glover. Esteban. I am a dirty muddy fragile pot of clay. Nothing that great on the outside. The greatest gift on the inside. And God continues to show me my cross. and I must carry it.

And for me and anyone else forgetting the goodness of the Lord...

Why do you complain, Jacob?
Why do you say, Israel,
“My way is hidden from the LORD;
my cause is disregarded by my God”?
Do you not know?
Have you not heard?
The LORD is the everlasting God,
the Creator of the ends of the earth.
He will not grow tired or weary,
and his understanding no one can fathom.
He gives strength to the weary
and increases the power of the weak.
Even youths grow tired and weary,
and young men stumble and fall;
but those who hope in the LORD
will renew their strength.
They will soar on wings like eagles;
they will run and not grow weary,
they will walk and not be faint.

Isaiah 40:27-31